Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
