My sheets look like a crime scene.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
