I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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