She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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