my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
