For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
