if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
