Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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