he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
