had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Acid is not a monday night drug
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
