so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
