Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
