I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
