Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
