I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
