this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
