Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I am one with the molecules
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
