I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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