I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
