Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
