so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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