Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
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i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
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Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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