Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
