OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
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That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
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If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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