Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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