When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
