I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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