I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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