rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
