I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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