i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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