I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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