nut hugger
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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