What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
