The maid of honor just puked.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
