ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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