Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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