wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
