mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
