Who wears a wallet chain?!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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