I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
