Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
