He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
