so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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