you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
