You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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