So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
