he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
