Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Farmville is her only friend.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
