you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
