Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
