dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
