I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
