Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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