I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
