He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
then he tried to convert me to islam
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
