I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
