I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
