I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Text me some of your sweat
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
