Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
